Ranking Dicks in the Wheel of Time Universe
I am an artist
Before my urgent reporting this week, here are a few things that I recommend and would love you to check out / give to / share as you can!
Hundreds of water protectors are currently facing criminal charges in Minnesota for standing in defense of the water, the climate, and the treaty rights of the Anishinaabeg people. Learn more / donate to bail funds here.
Share and donate for Black and Pink’s fundraiser!
Black & Pink National strongly advocates for the end of cash bail countrywide, but until then we are raising money to bail our community out because we know that we cannot achieve our collective liberation without achieving individual freedom and autonomy for our people.
Please join us in celebrating Trans Awareness Week by supporting our comprehensive bail support system for trans and GNC members across the country!
Let’s Get Mary Some Wheels! Organized by Courtney Napier
Mary Fashik is a phenomenal accessibility activist, businesswoman, and disabled person of color who is in need of a new accessible van to maintain her independence and care. Learn more + give here.
Nelson had a heart attack earlier this month and he was told he is not able to work and must take an anti-platelet medication that costs $1,200 per month ($14,400 for the year). He is only in his early 40s and his work typically supports his family of 4 and his family in Central America. Nelson is uninsured with no options to become insured to help pay for the medication. Additionally, his medication is not included on the MedAssist free medication program here in North Carolina.
Nelson and his family really need support paying for the next year's worth of medication and the next few months of bills while he is unable to work. It is a pretty dire situation, and I can't underestimate the stress they are experiencing not knowing how they are going to afford this medication he needs to survive.
Combination of read + give, i.e., why the fuck do people have to resort to GoFundMes to stay alive? To get the care they deserve? There are obvious answers (we don’t have universal healthcare) and less obvious answers, here are some overall sources on how broken our medical model is that I’ve learned a lot from and will continue to recommend.
Health Justice Now - book
If you were wondering what I’m reading, I’m currently finishing up the last trilogy from Robin Hobb and am looking forward to reading this book on medieval manuscripts called “The Gilded Page.” I am sad and happy the new David Graeber + David Wengrow book is backordered at my local bookstore, but that’ll be next up.
What I’m listening to:
I’M THE MUSE NOW! Always have been…? I am thrilled to have had my art inspire this awesome song “Good Boy” by Quinn Christopherson and be used in the video. The song rules! Congrats Quinn!
Ranking Dicks in the Wheel of Time Universe
On to important business. If you didn’t know I was a WoT superfan, surprise! Here I am. It’s one of my favorite series, made all the more special to me that the last two books of the journey started by Robert Jordan were finished by one of my favorite contemporary fantasy authors, Brandon Sanderson.
The 14 book epic saga—filled with magic, questions of power and gender, possessions, beasts of all sorts, legacies and fates—is deeply beloved by fantasy fanatics and loyal fans, but never seemed to have quite the same “buzz” as a series like Game of Thrones, even pre-TV show. It’s probably because, IMO, the series reads “slow” for a lot of people. Yes, there’s a lot of traveling to get to each other. A lot of interior contemplation. A lot of “oh shit is this character OK….like at all?” A lot of what some fans lovingly call “the slog” in the middle few books as we world-build towards the climax. Personally, I find it sexy. Love to edge.
Anyways: the release of the WoT Amazon show is today (they aren’t paying me to talk about this, they really should be though, Bezos hello). I am both ecstatic that more people will woven into the delicious pattern that is the Wheel of Time, and honestly feeling a bit jealous and possessive. I do not want to read an explainer about who these people are. (That said here is a really good explainer.) So I have decided to introduce you to one of my favorite fantasy worlds in the only way I know how - a definitive dick ranking.
Some crucial points of clarification: this is based on the books, and has no reflection on any real people playing the characters in the show. We’re fundamentalists over here — text first. But if anyone was wondering, I think visually the casting looks very good. Everyone is hot!
Secondly, dick ranking to me personally is not a matter of size. How boring. No, no. This is about aura, about charm, about likability, personality. There is so much that goes into a good dick. So much of it, perhaps obviously, is the presentation. A dimly lit dick, resting in some sheets, sent to amuse or arouse? No. I want lighting, I want a show. I want a pose. I want fashion. It’s how you handle, how attuned you are to the dick you have been given. It’s how you wield the legacy which has been bestowed unto you—do you see, this is the Wheel of Time. Has been all along.
Plus if my ranking was simply about length, we would arguably just have Loial—an Ogier, the very big boys—ranked over and over here, but as an anonymous source told me, “there is no correlation between height and dick size so the giants are swinging average dong.” To be clear this same anon source also said they would prefer to fuck a Trolloc. So, take that information in turn together.
I will try not to spoil but if you are a purist and don’t want to know anything about the series- definitely skip.
Coming in hot at #10, Padan Fain. I’m sorry. I really am. I can’t explain this one. I just feel like…it’s off limits. Which makes it alluring. Number 10. No more questions at this time. Thank you.
Number 9: Mat Cauthon. One of the main characters, I think Mat probably has a well rounded dick. I suspect the aura is….mysterious. Devilish. TLDR I think Mat probably has a nice dick but doesn’t know how to use it yet.
Number 8: Rand al'Thor. Our main character. Surprised he ranks so low? I’m not. I think Rand is basic/boring hot—he’s tall, got reddish hair, has a big prophecy circling around him. He's got tattoos—love a stick n’ poke King. Yes, Rand is strong, and we hear a lot about how much stronger he gets. But honestly—I think it’s boring dick. I wouldn’t be surprised that all the attention Rand gets for his other attributes has left him a bit uncertain about how hot he actually is, which can be hot but also…cmon man. Own it.
Number 7: Tam al'Thor. An older man with perfect aim and a temperament to raise children and protect his community? That’s a good dick. Number 7.
Number 6: Loial. He’s ten feet tall, and is young for his species at a casual 90 years old. Even though he’s old, Loial doesn’t have that much experience. He reads to me like it would be like fucking someone who recently got out of serial monogamy for the first time in a decade and is trying to learn how to do this stuff again. It would be sweet but sort of annoying. The dick is definitely at the very least LARGE, but I’m not sure you want to wade through the emotional baggage that comes with it. He needs to find himself first and move out of his parents place. Sorry to Loial.
Number 5: Logain Ablar. I’ve always felt like Logain was really hot….because he simply is. Dark hair, tall, mysterious, up to no good but in the service of something greater than himself. He’s so sexy. He probably would be gone by the time you woke up in the morning but you’d never forget the night before. Haunting. A haunting cock.
Number 4: Thom Merrilin. An aging musician who is on tour—who is getting more action? You know he knows some shit. He’s gonna lay pipe and it’s gonna be his dick or a flute and you won’t even care. Thom is an expert. Everyone always talks about how hot Thom was in the books but hey, I think he is very hot and thus Number 4 on the dick chart right now. Our white-haired, best-dressed, entertainer to the stars. Love him. You can just tell it would be a great time—he’s so good at roleplaying. He can juggle. He can dance. He can play the Game of Houses. This kid has it all.
Number 3: Gaul. A pioneer in the series of alternative ways to create relationship models. Gaul is a relationship anarchist. Or he’s poly. Or he has sister wives. Whatever it’s really hot and everything is consensual. As another anon source mentioned about Gaul’s people, “the Aiel have long dicks, can’t speak to girth though.” Noted.
Number 2: Arguably one of the sexiest characters in the WoT universe and by extension the best dicks, we’ve got al'Lan Mandragoran. Ugh. Lan. He’s so aloof, so strong, so capable. Behind that stony facade there is a heart of gold, if you know how to pry it out of him. We love an emotionally unavailable but actually really earnest sexy man. It’s made so much better by the fact many characters in the series can’t decide if he’s gorgeous or terrifying. Damn! Imagine the dick on that one. You just know he would be so good at sexting if he had the interest. But he wouldn’t, which makes it so much hotter. I’d wager whatever our sexual proclivities we would all fuck Lan, but none of us will get to. Great work Lan.
Number 1: Perrin Aybara. Do we have to discuss more? His nickname is literally “Young Bull.” Perrin is one of the hottest characters in the WoT universe. His quiet competence, his steely yellow-eyed glare, his intuition and earnestness. As one follower wisely put it, “Perrin absolutely drags dirt with his third leg.” He’s cunning, he’s smart, he’s animalistic in the right ways. Perrin has a perfect cock—you heard it here first.
Well, I hope this was informative. I’m always happy to share such important tidings with you all. Thanks for being here, much love, see you in your inboxes soon, feel free to send me angry emails about the dick ranking and who should actually be in the top spot—can’t wait.
Shelby (and Clem)