I Have Been Fooled By A Very Large Bird
Also: should men be allowed to like shibari? I say no
Hello sweet subs,
I’m going on a road trip soon, so if you’re a paying subscriber get ready for some deeply unhinged—I mean profound—dispatches from The Road, I am going Cormac McCarthy Mode. Please feel free to drop me an email with your favorite restaurants, weird attractions, bars (pool table encouraged), and vintage stores across America, I would love that. In other news, being off social media is really good for the brain, but also sort of socially isolating, more on that spicy hot take to come.
As longtime readers are aware, I am on a Bird Journey. Last update was that I had a near-dying sparrow visitor, and today I am here to report: I have been fooled by a very large bird.
Upon first looking outside and seeing this behemoth, I was certain some species of small hawk had descended from above. I mean, look at this thing:
Look at his solidness. His girth. That is a majestic bird. A predator. A stroke of evolutionary genius. I cannot embed video easily (luddite) otherwise I would try to prove that no matter which way this bird moved, it was a giant, a vision, an absolute menace of the skies. I was certain this was no average bird, but a Big Bird.
Naturally I took terrible, grainy, and far away photos of my subject, like a true scientist and/or citizen journalist stalking their favorite pop star. Next, I used my favorite app, Merlin Bird ID by The Cornell Lab. I have hyperlinked so you, too, can enjoy the wonders of the Merlin Bird App, which lets you upload photos, sound, location and other specifics to properly identify your bird.
I waited. Anxiously. What would this Big Bird be. What sort of species would unravel before me. Maybe they would name it after me.
But alas. This traitorous bitch was a rock pigeon.
Look, I love pigeons, truly. I think they are beautiful. They are so varied. The way the light hits the purplish-green on their necks can truly take my breath away. And we all remember my week of bird posting about pigeons that ended in Drew Barrymore saying my name in conjunction with the phrase “hot pigeon” on her show. We KNOW this. And yet. I was disheartened. This bird was SO large. It was so…un-pigeon like. It reveled its pigeon-nature only hours later, when it ruffled its neck, and I realized the supposed girth was simply the pigeon tucking its head in, giving the illusion of a swole bird where there was none.
To be entirely sure that something novel was in my presence only to learn, anticlimactically, that it was ordinary. Perhaps that is the lesson. Or perhaps the lesson is that the ordinary can still surprise us, even if it is masquerading as a very big bird.
To read online:
New York police will use drones to monitor backyard parties this weekend, spurring privacy concerns Guess which mayor just went to Israel! Looks like he learned some neat tricks :)
The GOP’s Drag Bans Aren’t Meant to Be Good Laws. They’re Meant to Cause Chaos
Maui’s Wildfire Recovery Is Haunted by the Specter of Colonialism
I watched the Armie Hammer doc
And I was pleasantly surprised by the nuance in which they approached the differences between straight-up-abuse and consensual “kinky” sex, and the means by which many abusers will use the label of BDSM to justify or excuse physical harm, trespassing of boundaries, and lack of consent. I remember at the time the story broke it was very cannibal-centric, because obviously that was the most sensational detail, so I was glad to see the documentary zoom out and remind viewers that outside of that salacious detail was the much more average, predictable, and horrible intricacies of his relationships.
The overall documentary still felt grimy and exploitative in other ways (which of these sorts of “exposes” don’t, honestly) but it was victim-centric and emphasized the myriad of ways in which fame can distort reality.
I was also quite struck by how common that type of guy is, though what is undeniably unique to Hammer was the fame, money, and access that came with it. But in the juicy reveals of his texts, I was less shocked at what he was saying than by my own familiarity with it. It’s very recently divorced man downloads Feeld. Hammer really thought he was onto something with “kitten” and “my little pet.” Bitch, you and every other fucking sex nerd on the planet.
So many people, my experience being primarily older men though I am quite sure this transcends both age and gender, knowingly disregard boundaries because they are unwilling to create parameters in which a submissive partner actually feels safe. They are not about honest exploration of power dynamics, consensually, they are about domination—total domination. And of course, there are ways to establish the feeling of being totally dominated without it being abusive. But that shit takes PLANNING, discussion, trust, and a whole slew of other necessities for it to be healthy for all involved. And usually, people who want to dominate in the way Hammer did have absolutely no interest in the planning, trust, and safety necessary to make everyone feel safe, because that is not what they are after. Gross.
If both parties are inexperienced, or one is deliberately taking advantage of someone’s naiveté, that can be terrifying and ripe ground for abuse. If you’re exploring new ways to be intimate with someone and don’t know how a “dominant” person should be, and said dominant person is attractive, wealthy, and well-known, they could likely propose things that are far outside your comfort zone and not give space to discuss how that works without you feeling like you were breaking the scene. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a supposed “Dom” who is giving you bad vibes, please trust that. A good Dom makes you feel safe, secure, sexy, etc., and should never give the impression there isn’t room to pause the dynamics and talk openly about boundaries. I feel very lucky that my brief forays into that world were with people who were extremely well versed in consent and were quick to explain that especially in a submissive role, I would be the boss. As one former partner + now friend (hello G) explained to me in my early twenties, there is nothing a sub can do or say wrong. It’s their space, time, and safety that is the priority. Nothing a sub can say—i.e. “softer”—would break the scene. It is entirely up to the Dom to be a supportive, fun and engaging partner with them in that space.
And look I know there are much bigger and scarier things to focus on in the doc and whole situation, but my GOD when he was texting women descriptions of what shibari is and sending pictures of his rope collection. YOU’RE A LOSER!!!!! NO ADULT MAN SHOULD BE INTO SHIBARI UNLESS HE’S LIKE, FULLY IN THE KINK SCENE AND REALLY GOOD AT IT AND PREFERABLY HAPPILY MARRIED BECAUSE YOU CAN REALLY HURT PEOPLE AND EVEN THEN I’M BEING GENEROUS I THINK SHIBARI SHOULD BE OFF LIMITS TO STRAIGHT MEN???? Ok just thinking out loud here.
Here’s Clem as stickers:
Lots of love,
Shelby + Clem
Loved this Shelby. All talk of kink in MSM is suspect, and I'd actually never read into AH's rope collection, but your take is the correct one.
I have no suggestions for your road trip, but I look forward to reading about it.